Three years. A hundred posts. At least that many comments. That was raygates.me as I had grown and nurtured it. And with a click of a button, it was all gone.
That’s what I discovered about a week ago, and it was devastating. My blog wasn’t just a project or a hobby. I poured a lot of myself into those articles. It wasn’t just words I lost; it was a large part of myself. A part I had chosen to put out there for anyone and everyone to see.
My first instinct was to contact the host of my site to see if they had a backup they could restore. An unlikely solution, given that they were the ones to delete it in the first place, but when disaster strikes you’ll try anything. As I waited for customer service to come to my rescue, I questioned myself about the value of what I was attempting. Was there any value in attempting to restore all those musings? For that matter, was there any value in continuing with the blog at all? I hadn’t written anything for it in months (though in my defense, I was [am] still adjusting to moving to the opposite side and hemisphere of the planet). Was it really worth continuing with? Did it matter? If it disappeared from the digital universe, would it be missed? Perhaps this disaster had occurred for a reason. maybe it was time for me to give up. Draw the curtain. Fade to black.
The thing is: that isn’t me.
Funnily enough, that revelation came to me not in relation to the blog, but to my personal life, and once that fact broke through the gloom that had descended upon my heart and mind, I realised this wasn’t a disaster but an opportunity. An opportunity to reinvent myself. Not necessarily a complete personality and life change, but an opportunity to review where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going. More importantly, an opportunity to choose where I want to go, and what I want to do next.
That was my problem: I didn’t realise, or perhaps hadn’t accepted, that making major changes in my life would also impact all the things I had previously planned. I was stuck trying to follow a map that no longer matched the landscape, trying to find the path to something I had already left behind.
It took a ‘disaster’ of this proportion to shake me off that path, to make me realise that my direction has changed, and so too has my destination. There will be similarities, even sameness to a certain extent; I’m not going to simply through everything I was working towards away. However, this is an opportunity for change. An opportunity to re-evaluate who I am, and who I want to be. Where I am, and where I want to go. What I’ve done, and what I’ve yet to achieve. It is a good thing, and most likely it’s exactly what I needed.
So, although there is still some heaviness in my heart, I will not be trying to resurrect my old blog, or my old posts. That was then, this is now. This is a new beginning. What this blog ends up being remains to be seen. I might be part diarisation, part documentation, part manifesto, part insight, and maybe even part egotism. What it will be is all me, based on the many hats I wear.
Whether you are one of my previous readers returned, or a new reader recently discovered, I hope you will stay with me as I chisel away the debris to reveal the masterpiece underneath. It will take some time, and it will likely look rough for a while yet. However, I look forward to discovering, with you, what it looks like.